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Too Afraid To Get Healthy Part 2

**This is a two part series on my journey to health.  It’s very personal.  And scary (for me).  If you missed it, here is part 1.**

I decided to ditch GAPS and started following Matt Stone’s RARRFing plan.  I felt pretty good.  I gained some weight.  I dropped a lot of my food restrictions that I had started on GAPS.  That lasted about two months or so.  Then I felt like I couldn’t stop gaining weight.  And I didn’t feel that great anymore.  I had gone to the other extreme.  Instead of being grain free I was living on bread (since my body craved carbs after eating so low carb by mistake) and not getting enough nutrients.  I struggled to find balance.

In the last year I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with health, diet, anxiety, etc.  But I have finally learned to do what works for me.  I’m not following anyone else’s “diet plan.”  So, problem solved, right?  Not really.  I am still not healthy.  I still struggle with digestive problems, reproductive problems, anxiety, mood swings, adrenal dysfunction, fatigue.

I’ve done my research.  I’ve been to new doctors.  I’ve had lots of testing done.  I’ve studied a lot of different schools of thought on how to achieve health.  I’ve come to my own conclusions about what my body needs.  Reading The Nourished Metabolism was the last push I needed to really understand that I have to focus on health.  That might mean gaining some extra weight.  It might mean forcing myself to sleep in sometimes.  It might mean shaking up my daily routine.  It might mean a lot of things (maybe I’ll post more on the details of adrenal, digestive and reproductive health later).  Then let’s get going!

Wait, there is still one “small” problem.

FEAR

Yep, the fear that started it all is still there.  It wasn’t until just a few weeks ago that I really made this realization.  Everything has come full circle.  I now know what I need to do to get healthy.  But I’m too scared to do it.  Anxiety is the root of all of my problems.  And anxiety is what’s keeping me from getting rid of them.

I’m afraid of losing control.

I’m afraid to lose the structure in my life.

I’m afraid I won’t be the woman my husband fell in love with and the woman he knows and loves.

I’m afraid I won’t be the mother my kids know and love.

I’m afraid of gaining weight (even though I think it’s what I need to do).

I’m afraid of eating…too much, too little, the “right” thing, the “wrong” thing.

I’m afraid of making mistakes.

I’m afraid of letting people into my life.

I’m afraid of letting go of my routines.

I’m afraid of social settings.

I’m afraid of speaking in front of others.

I’m afraid that if I let go of my anxiety and OCD I’ll let everything slide and be complacent.  My balancing act of a life will just fall apart.

I’m afraid of losing me.
 
Who am I if I give up control?
 
I don’t know who I am apart from the anxiety and OCD.

But I do know the I AM.

I do know that God is in control.  And I have to let him lead my life.

Our pastor just did a series on Living a Life of Success.  It was just what I needed to hear.

“Success is the willingness of a person to be used by God to achieve his/her full potential in the Kingdom of God.”

When we ask “Who am I?”  God says “I will be with you.”
When others ask “Who has sent you?”  God says “I AM has sent you.”
When we ask “What if they don’t believe me?”  God will use our weaknesses.  “When I am weak, then I am strong.”  If we stop and pay attention we will see God doing miracles in our lives.
When we use our inadequacies as a an excuse, God will cure them and use us for his glory.

I am afraid.  But God is in control.  So I must GO.

“Only when we know we can’t do it, can we do it, by the grace and power of God.”

I must be completely dependent on God to succeed.  And I must commit this process of healing and overcoming anxiety to the Lord.  If I do, then I will succeed.  God will use it for his glory.

I constantly compare myself to others.  I compare myself to myself in the past.

My whole life I just wanted someone to say they were proud of me and that it was ok to just be me.  That quirks and all I am beautiful and created just the way God wants me to be.

I am always trying to be good enough.  But for who?  For what?

I have lived my entire life in fear.  I got it from my parents.  And I even fear passing it on to my own children.  My daughter already shows signs of anxiety.  And I don’t want her to experience the things I have.  She already tells me she wants to be perfect and good at everything.  And it breaks my heart.  So I have to show her what it means to let God be in control and give her peace.

I know it won’t be easy.  But I know nothing is too difficult for God.

I need to let go of my hang ups.  Let go of my desire for earthly perfection.  If I’m healthy and feel good why should it matter what size I wear?  I need to not be so wrapped up in appearances and what others think.

The only thing that matters is living a life of service for the one who created me.

Two beautiful ladies.

I AM good enough for God.  There is no need for fear when you have God’s peace.  I am willing to be used by God.

I don’t know what that means.  Maybe God will use my biggest weakness of public speaking to share my story.  If so I know he will equip me.  Maybe God will use me through writing.  Maybe it will simply be showing my own children God’s love and peace.  And showing them that they don’t have to live in fear.

Whatever it may be I am giving God the control.  I am pushing aside my fears because I know God is bigger than any fear I have.  I don’t really know who I am apart from my anxiety and OCD.  But I do know that I am God’s child.  And He loves me.  And that is good enough.

My mini-me…already a talented baker.

I surrender my life.  God, you are in control.  Show me who you created me to be and your purpose for me.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3

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7 comments

  1. I keep “hearing” Jennifer Rothschild at Among Friends saying we’ve got to elevate our FAITH above our FEAR. And it sounds like that is the place to which God has brought you – as you surrender to His control and His plan, forsaking your fear of losing control. Good for you, Mary!

    “I am afraid. But God is in control.” We can make long lists of “I am…But God…” and I pray every time Satan puts a doubt in your mind, God will combat it with the Truth. Whenever Satan says, “Mary, you are…” or, “Mary, you are NOT…” May you come back with a BOLD, “BUT GOD…!”

    Love you, friend. And I am praying for your complete healing.

  2. Mary Voogt says:

    Yes, yes, Karen!! Faith higher than fear! I bought a couple of her books at the conference…definitely next on my list when I finish the book I’m reading 🙂 God’s perfect timing as always.

    Thanks for the prayers! Such an awesome blessing.

  3. Hi Mary. I found your blog via village green network and their pinterest boards. thank you so much for sharing your amazing story in these 2 posts. your story is VERY VERY similar to mine! i am 27 and would love to have a child but 1) am not sure how to when i have messed up hormones and haven’t gotten my period since feb (although it seems that it will come soon, since I’ve been semi-rrarfing since april) and 2) i’m also afraid to have children because i’m afraid that my unhealthy digestive system will be passed to them and they will have health issues that could have been prevented “if only i tried harder to heal myself” before getting pregnant. God has impressed on my heart that I am going to get pregnant soon by His grace alone and that He will take care of us the whole way through, but I’m still scared to allow Him and struggle with balancing what I am supposed to do versus what to rely on Him for! I have such fear of eating the right things/the wrong things, and struggle with letting disordered eating ruin my life. Satan ministers his death to me by telling me that i need to eat a certain way or else i will never heal (the paleo autoimmune diet – kinda similar to GAPS), and i am struggling to not believe him and eat in the way my body directs. I have so many questions and doubts though every day… I really think God used your story to minister hope to me today and I thank you so much for sharing your journey with me. Please know you are not alone in your struggle against fear and that God is already using your story for His glory in others’ lives. I will be standing in prayer with you and look forward to hearing more updates 🙂

  4. Mary Voogt says:

    Thank you so much for leaving a comment Kristin and sharing your story! Praise God for the ways he uses our weaknesses to help others.

    I pray that you will find peace in knowing that HE is in control. When Satan put stumbling blocks and doubts in your path remember that God is bigger than all of it.

    Good luck with the rarrfing and healing. It can be very challenging. It’s hard to change your thoughts about what you “should” or “shouldn’t” eat. I’m so thankful that for the most part I’m finally getting past that (after well over a year). Listen to your body. It will tell you what you need. Nourish it. Take care of it. Focus on what matters.

    If you ever need a listening ear or have questions feel free to drop me a note (mary dot voogt @ gmail dot com).

    I pray that God will bless you with the child you desire. And I pray you can fully trust that He will take care of the details. Worry will only make things worse. Give it to Him and feel His peace.

    Thanks again for sharing.

  5. Sara says:

    Finally able to read part 2 this morning!! 🙂 And too funny that Karen and I were thinking the same thing, too. 🙂

    I pray that you will be able to release the fear and become the person you truly are. Yes, the anxiety and OCD Mary is the one you know now, but that is not likely who you truly are. You won’t lose you, you’ll just lose the things that have been holding you back from being the true you.

    I admire your strength and faith. I am proud to call you my family. And I am so excited to see you shed the layers and to become free of your fear.

  6. Sara says:

    Hey Mary, did my comment on the post the other morning not save? It told me it’d be visible after approval when I posted it, so it seemed to work… Just thought I’d check though..

  7. Mary Voogt says:

    Sorry about that, Sara. I think I read your comment on my phone and forgot to hit publish. I have my comments set so that I have to approve them if they are on a post more than 15 days old or something.

    And thank you for your encouragement!!! I so appreciate it. I asked my mom if she had read the posts…”yeah, it’s pretty much what you’ve said before, right?” Like it was no big deal. In reality this is a HUGE deal. This is as open and vulnerable as I have ever been. And it is SCARY!!! But I’m trusting God to help me through it. Thanks again.

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