I normally give my weekly health updates in my weekly menu posts. But this week it seemed like there was just too much to share. So I’m doing a separate post on updates. I wasn’t even sure what to call this post because it has a lot to it. So I’m just calling it a health update. Be prepared. It’s long 😛

I’ll start with GAPS updates. I’m doing well with sticking to full GAPS. I really think having broth/soup every morning is helping. Now I just need to add it in more often (and I’ll be on GAPS intro before I know it :P). I do intend to wait until the fall at least to do intro. I don’t want to have to worry about it when we travel, go on vacation, have fresh (raw) summer produce, etc. I am now taking a full dose probiotic every day. And I’m up to 2 Betaine HCI capsules each day. I’m really hoping that will help with digestion. I can say that even after just one week I think I have less gas and bloating. It doesn’t feel like the food is just sitting like a brick, rotting in my gut. I am eating sauerkraut before dinner every day, and chewing much more thoroughly. One thing I would like to do is bump up my intake of cod liver oil. I currently take 2 capsules a day. I know that it really isn’t that much. Maybe I can be brave and start taking some of the gel (like Rebecca does) in addition to what I now take. A recent post on Cheeseslave said you should be taking 24 capsules a day when nursing! That would get WAY too expensive. So we’ll see if I can start using the gel in addition to what I currently take. Overall I am so excited to be where I am and that I found out about GAPS/started down this path. I have already experienced incredible amounts of healing, and I haven’t even done the full thing yet. And it seems like day by day, step by step God is leading me down this path. And that each day there is another piece of the puzzle that fits. Like learning about stomach acid and how much that impacts digestion (and why things were so bad for me for years). One step closer to healing and truly living. For the first time I’m really learning what works for me and what doesn’t. What my body can and can’t handle at this point. I’ve recently learned that I still have to go light when it comes to raw veggies. Even though I want to dive into all the fresh produce available right now, I have to be careful. My leaky gut can’t handle much raw. One way to “indulge” without harming myself is to eat raw veggies without really eating them. It sounds kind of gross, but I can chew the veggies until only the fibrous part is left and then spit that out. So I get the vitamins, etc., the flavor, the crunch, but not the fiber. It’s kind of like juicing…with my teeth 😛  I’m also learning that I am very sensitive to anything sweet…even fresh fruit and honey. I think that is part of what still causes me gas issues. Until my gut is healed anything sweet feeds the bad stuff in my gut and ferments. So I’m really trying to eat anything sweet very sparingly. Even fruit. Although I will indulge in some of the fresh summer fruit. How can I not? 😛  Sweets are the toughest for me. I have a huge sweet tooth. And for years I lived on sweets (when I didn’t know any better, when I was only worried about eating low fat). So this is going to be tough. But worth it. Slowly but surely I’m figuring this out. And enjoying each day more and more.

But GAPS has not only helped me with my physical/gut problems. It has had a huge impact on my mental state. I have been battling OCD, eating disorders and body image issues for many years. I have been seeing a psychologist for 5 years now to help treat them. And it helped…some. But I have never experienced as much progress and healing in those 5 years as I have in the last few months.

My OCD is centered around my gut. So naturally as my gut heals the OCD is getting better. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But I’m getting there. Having 2 children has actually been a big help too. I don’t have time to feel sick or to spend on compulsions. I have to take care of them. Having baby #2 has been a way for me to start over…to create new routines, to get out of old habits. That’s what it takes for me…I have to be forced to change. And God knows me. He knows what I need and when I need it. He knows exactly when I’m ready for change. At my psychologist appt. last week my doctor said something that really stuck with me. And it surprised her too. She said I now have a choice. I’ve never had that before. I always “had” to do the compulsions. Now I have a choice. The OCD doesn’t control me. Yes, I still think about it a lot (the obsession). No, it will never go away completely. But yes, I DO have a choice…to give in to it or not. And that is amazing. It’s still a daily struggle. And some days are harder than others. But I have to try each and every day to choose to live. To choose not to give in to the OCD. To choose to let God take control, give him my anxiety, and keep pushing on. This is not only evident in my personal daily routine. It’s very evident in my parenting. With Rebecca my parenting was focused on me…fitting her into my schedule, what worked for me. With Abram I am shifting the focus to him. What are his needs. How can I adjust to meet them. Instead of feeding him on a strict schedule I feed him on demand. With Rebecca by 3 weeks she was on a feeding/sleeping schedule. We still are not on any kind of schedule with Abram. Sure natural routines are starting to develop…there are times of the day that he usually sleeps, etc. But nothing is set in stone. And our days are all different. Monday he napped in my arms, played with me a lot, ate, etc. while Rebecca napped. Yesterday he slept almost the whole afternoon. Every day is different. And I can handle it. It’s a huge step for me to focus on others (especially my family) instead of myself. And I have to say life is much less stressful without a set routine. Who knew? 😛  Before Abram arrived I wondered how I was going to handle two children. I should not have worried. I know God will provide and give me exactly what I need when I need it.

In addition to my OCD about my gut I’ve struggled with eating disorders and body image. It’s not something I talk about much. I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. But I know I’ve had issues with food for many years. And it was part of my OCD. I obsessed about food. I compulsively exercised. I was always worried about how I looked, wondering what other people thought, wondering if I was too fat. I was scared to eat too much. I was scared I wasn’t eating enough. All around food gave me anxiety. Ironic coming from someone with a food blog that loves to cook 😛  But it was all about control. It was one thing I could control…what I put in my mouth. Sadly for way too many years I was putting the wrong stuff in. I was scared to eat fat. I was not eating anything nourishing. I had such restrictions, but I was still never happy with how I looked. I like getting attention for being very thin. Even though I knew I wasn’t happy. But I am so thankful that things have changed. I seriously can’t believe how differently I view food and eat now. I eat to nourish my body. Food is not the enemy (well, REAL food isn’t :P). It makes me so happy when I feed my body what it needs. Each bite gives me pleasure. No more low fat. No more worrying about calories. No more exercising extreme amounts for fear of gaining weight. No more restricting and then binging on sweets. It’s been 7 weeks since I gave birth to Abram. I have not tried at all to lose weight. And yet I’m only a few pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (after gaining over 45 lbs.). I eat when I’m hungry. I don’t restrict myself. Honestly some days I feel like I’m eating “too much.” But I don’t gain weight or anything. So my body must need it. For the first time I’m listening to my body. Not just eating because the clock says it’s meal time. But eating when my body tells me I need something. And I’m not overexercising. Yes, I still exercise every day. But the difference is it’s because I enjoy it. I like to be active. I like to stay toned. But I don’t go overboard. And I don’t have to do a specific routine every day. And I just do what fits in my day. One day I might be able to jog for a while. The next day I might just be able to bike for 10 min. And that’s ok. Some days I have tons of energy. Others I need to take it easy. Again, I have a choice. And I listen to what my body needs. Not what an obsession tells me. It’s kind of funny how in college I exercised intensely every day (probably for at least an hour each day). And I ate low fat. I never snacked. And I gained weight. And here I am now. I bike, walk or jog for about 15 min. a day. I eat what I want. I eat tons of fat. I nourish my body. I’m munching on food all day it seems. I take it easy when I need to. And I weigh less now (7 weeks postpartum) than I did in my early 20’s. The other thing (and maybe the biggest thing for me) is that for the first time I’m happy with the way I look. Even just after having a baby I can look in the mirror and love my body. For so many years I had this ideal in my head of what I thought I wanted…stick thin. And now when I see others that are stick thin I don’t like it. I look back at pictures of myself when I was very underweight and I cringe. I want to have a body. I want to embrace my curves. I’m a woman. And I love it. I’ve always been obsessed with my belly/having a flat stomach. Which is part of what fed my gut OCD (maybe I’ll explain more about that some day. I will say the bloating and gas from my gut issues definitely did NOT help with this at all). I would do hundreds of crunches every day. Now I’m accepting the body I have. I know it’s in my genes to carry my weight in my abdomen. And I’m short…not much I can do about that 😛  But I can love myself the way I am and not try to make myself into something else. It’s pointless and frustrating. In a way I feel like I wasted so many years. I think anyone with that overcomes OCD will say that. But it’s part of my life. Part of my journey. And I’m thankful for what God has taught me and for the struggles I’ve been through. I can say that I’m so excited to be able to go shopping soon…and buy clothes that flatter my figure…and love all of me 🙂

A few other misc. items:

I just had my thyroid rechecked. It’s still in the normal range. I do still take a low dose of medication for that. I’m hoping some day I don’t have to. But my levels are WAY more normal than they were a year ago.

I do also still take miralax every day. I have ever since my colon surgery in 2006. It is still my goal to be able to stop taking it some day. And I truly believe that by doing GAPS I will be able to. Every once in a while I try lowering the dose. Sometimes I do ok. Sometimes I have to bump it back up. But I’ll get there.

Finally, my psychologist mentioned something to me last week. I generally print some of my blog posts for her to read/help give her an update on me. She always enjoys reading them. And then last week she told me she thinks I should write a book. And she was very serious. Me? Write a book? I’m not a writer. Am I? I would have laughed at her had she said that a few years ago. But I know that God has different and better plans than we can ever dream up. Maybe he has a much different plan for me. My doctor said I already have a good start with a lot of the personal posts I’ve written. And she enjoys my writing. And that there isn’t much out there like it…personal stories relating to OCD, etc. There are manuals and guides. But nothing personal/relatable. So it’s in the back of my mind. Not something I would try to tackle any time soon. But maybe in a few years. When I’ve gotten a little farther on my journey. And when I don’t have an infant 😛  I don’t know. Maybe it is just a passing idea. But I’m not counting anything out. God is continually surprising me. And I am open to however he wants to use me and use my trials to impact/help/serve others. Now if he told me to go speak in front of people…I think I might just run and hide 😛  But you never know. God’s plans are much bigger and better than mine.

So, where do I go from here? Believe me I’ve still got a long road ahead on this journey. Yes, I have come a LONG way. But it’s far from over. I’m still battling the OCD. It’s still a daily thing. I still have to push myself outside my comfort zone and try new things. I still have anxiety over the unknown/over past issues. But I’m trying. I’m trying to do more traveling and outings this summer. I’m trying to do things with other people. I’m trying to shake up routines. It’s not easy at all. But I’m trying. And every time I tackle something it gives me more drive and energy to keep pressing on. I have no idea what the end result will be. But I know it’s much better than I can imagine. I do have to listen to my body and its limits. I had major colon surgery 5 years ago and had a foot of my colon removed. My digestive system does not work the same way a “normal” person’s does. Plain and simple. I have to accept that. And work with it. And just keep on living. I may have some limitations that others don’t. And that’s ok. But I will keep pressing on. I am also anxious to see how all of this will impact fertility. I am hopeful that one day my body will start working again. Who knows what God has in store for us and for growing our family.

I am trying to pass on what I’ve learned to my family. I want my children to grow up healthy…both physically and mentally. I want to teach them what it means to nourish their bodies. What it means to live. And to not be afraid. So I do my best to provide my family with healthy food. I’m doing my best to give my kids a good start with proper gut health. I’m hoping to start Abram on a probiotic this week. I have already started giving some to Rebecca each day with her cod liver oil (I LOVE that she likes the gel…thinks it’s a treat :P). One fun way I try to give Rebecca good stuff is by letting her have a milkshake (milk, fruit, 1 egg all blended together) with lunch every day. She thinks it’s a treat. I  see it as a way to get her to “eat” a whole (raw) egg every day (she’s picky about eggs) and give her the nourishment she needs. She’s going to drink milk anyway. Why not add an egg and a little fresh fruit to it? And sometimes some kefir too. It makes me so happy that Rebecca doesn’t know what fast food is. And that she doesn’t live on processed/packaged food. She already has a love for baking and making food from scratch. I try to let her help me cook when I can. And hope that some day she’ll love cooking real food as much as I do. Our whole family has benefited from this. And I am so thankful for that.

Finally, a few encouraging words. In the sermon I heard on Sunday the preacher talked about being held by God. The Bible says “don’t be afraid” 366 times! That’s a lot. Apparently I haven’t been listening 😛  I don’t need to be afraid. I have been for so many years. Anxiety had controlled my life. But I don’t want it to anymore. God is in control. One thing the pastor said really stuck with me…God has a tighter hold on us than anything else ever will. What a comfort. The OCD and anxiety have had a tight grip for so long. But God’s grip is even tighter. And he will never let go. God is good!

Motherhood – it’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was very young. I got a Cabbage Patch doll for my 5th birthday and knew from that moment that more than anything I wanted to be a mother. I loved having someone to take care of, someone that needed me. Fast forward 23 years and that dream became a reality when my daughter was born (April of 2008). I can’t say it was an easy adjustment, but I still loved it. And there were no extra demands or pressures with just one baby. We figured out routines and what worked for us. And at 3 years old we’ve got a pretty good routine going for Rebecca. And now here we are adding baby #2 to the mix. I thought I knew what to expect…I’ve done this before, right? Well, not so much. After having to leave my precious little girl with others for a few days and coming home to a whole new, sometimes overwhelming, world I’ve done some thinking/reflecting. Just thought I’d share…for me to get it out and for any other new moms that may be struggling. Please excuse my scattered thoughts 😛

The biggest surprise for me was my instant connection with Abram and my disconnect with Rebecca. I know it sounds awful. And I continually feel guilty about it. Rebecca is my first born. She is so precious to me. I love her more than words can say. But giving her my undivided attention at all times, then having to leave her for over 3 days (I’ve never been away from her for more than a few hours), then coming home to a whole new environment really caught me off guard. There are a couple big factors. First, I rarely have one-on-one time with her at the moment. So it’s hard to focus on just her. Two, I can’t pick her up. And I can’t even have her sit on my lap often because someone else is there 😛  So the lack of physical connection is a huge thing. And finally I have to be disciplining more than encouraging it seems. I have to constantly remind her to be gentle with the baby. And she acts out more because she’s adjusting too and isn’t sure how to express her feelings. So we’re all adjusting to this big change and trying to figure it out. At first I was very overwhelmed and anxious by these feelings. But each day it gets better. Why? I know this is just a phase. Abram won’t always need so much of my attention. And Rebecca will soon be able to play with him instead of having to “leave him alone.” I’m making more effort each day to interact with Rebecca as much as possible and tell her how special she is/how much I love her. I make a point of giving her plenty of hugs and kisses, even if I can’t pick her up/snuggle with her often. I also try to be sure I am the one that gets her up in the morning, puts her down for nap, takes her to bed, feeds her, etc…keep her normal routine with Mommy. Even if Abram has to be involved. The initial change really caught me off guard. But we’re figuring out our new situation. My love for Rebecca hasn’t changed one bit. I just have to figure out how to split my time now and figure out how we all interact with a new, needy member. Of course the other important thing is prayer and trusting God to see us through the trying moments. I am very intentional every day to tell her God made her, God loves her and that she is so special, one of a kind. There is nobody else like her. She grins from ear to ear when we tell her 🙂

I mentioned it before, but my instant connection with Abram really surprised me. Up until he was born I wondered how I could love another child the way I love Rebecca. But I guess I shouldn’t have worried about that. I love him more than anything and can hardly take my eyes off him. I can’t imagine life without him. And I would do anything for him. It’s true what they say, you don’t have to share your love when you have more kids…your love just doubles! No complaints there.

There are a few things that are different this time around…related to me and my current health status. When Rebecca was born I was still very unhealthy (both physically and mentally). My OCD was still undiagnosed and pretty out of control. So when she was born and my life was turned upside down my anxiety went through the roof. By 3 weeks old I had her on a pretty strict schedule of eating, etc. so that I could maintain my schedule/routines. And when she didn’t “cooperate” it was very tough on me. Looking back I’m amazed I was able to stick with breastfeeding through it all. I also was not nourishing my body. I was just concerned about exercising and losing all the weight. I ended up losing it all and then some. I dropped below 100 lbs. And ate all low fat/fat free food. Plus I exercised a ton. Again, I’m amazed I was able to keep breastfeeding her through it all. At least one of us was nourished 😛  So, on to baby #2. I’m so thankful that things are much different this time. Anyone that reads my blog knows my health status is much improved. I now eat to nourish my body, not to be skinny. I also have a much better handle on my OCD. So here’s a little update on all of that/how it relates to my kids.

Nursing…I’m starting out nursing on demand…and don’t have any set plans for getting on a schedule. I think that one will naturally form in the coming weeks. And I do want to have somewhat of a schedule…makes life easier for the whole family. But not the same way I did with Rebecca. She ate every 3 hours. If she was hungry before the 3 hour interval was up I hardly dared feed her. I didn’t want to be off schedule! So this time around I don’t have any expectations. We’re just taking it one day at a time. Abram will figure out a schedule when he’s ready. And we’ll all learn together. It’s much healthier for him and for me. Being on a strict schedule in a way made my anxiety worse.

My physical health is also much different. I have been in the process of healing my body for some time now. And I think that just doing full GAPS has already made a big impact. I now eat to nourish my body. I focus on what I need, not what I can’t/shouldn’t have. I also eat to nourish Abram. I know what I eat impacts what he gets. And that is so important. My first time around I wanted to lose the baby weight as quickly as possible. This time I’m being much more relaxed about it. I’ve already lost close to 30 lbs. without trying. And the rest will come off in time. Yes, I still have a belly. And that’s fine. He stretched me out pretty far…and I have a large incision in my abdomen. It will take time. And may never be what it once was. And that’s ok. My 2 miracles are much more important than flat abs. I’m more concerned about healing and nourishing than I am about fitting into my old clothes in 2 weeks 😛

Both my physical and mental health are wrapped up in my OCD. I’ve been battling it for many years. At the beginning of the year I said I wanted to conquer it this year. And laid out some steps. They helped. But pregnancy kept me from making a ton of progress. But now that Abram is here I’m wondering if he might just be my miracle baby…for more than one reason. I’m using his birth as a new starting point. Trying to let go of routines/compulsions/expectations/etc. In the hospital I couldn’t dictate my daily schedule. And I did just fine. Since I’ve been home I have not done my usual compulsions, etc. I’m trying to take the day as it comes. Nursing on demand is helping with that. I have to be available for Abram whenever he needs me. He’s forcing my exposure 🙂  In some ways my OCD seems silly to me. I’ve wasted so much time and energy…worrying about my bowels?? I want it to end. I want to live. So I’m doing my best to battle my mind every day. To forget old habits. To not worry if one day is different or better/worse than another. My body knows what it’s doing. I don’t have to force anything. Just let it be. Thankfully overall my digestion has been pretty good since giving birth. Hopefully it will continue as I continue on GAPS. And hopefully each day will get easier. I know I still think about it a lot (the obsession), but I’m trying to let it go and not act on it (the compulsion). The less I do the compulsion, the less I’ll have the obsession. When I look at Abram’s precious little face I am more determined than ever to let go my old ways and start living free of OCD. It usually takes a total life change to force me to make change. And hopefully this was the one that will do it for me.

That being said, I do have the opposite issue. I have a 3 year old. And as most people know young kids thrive on routine. They know what to expect. They have less anxiety. We have a great routine with Rebecca…meals, naps, bed, etc. And in between those scheduled items is unscheduled/free time. Her world has been turned upside down with a new baby. So I want to at least give her the predictability of her normal routine. So I’m doing my best to balance her daily routine with Abram’s current lack of routine. It’s tough sometimes to nurse, feed her, read books, etc. all at the same time. But it’s worth it for her sake. Soon enough we’ll all have a routine. For now we are doing what we can to maintain hers.

In the first few days at home my emotions were all over. Sometimes I was so happy. And other times I was so overwhelmed. The first full day at home I was sitting with Justin, Rebecca and Abram. And I almost broke down. I wondered how am I ever going to do this? How will I reconnect with Rebecca? How will I keep up with things around the house? How will I maintain my own sanity? There’s no turning back now…but can I do it? Thankfully these moments don’t last too long. And when I’m in a better state of mind I can think about things logically. Here are my thoughts on that.

First, I have no relaxation techniques right now! That’s the toughest part for me. Normally when I’m stressed/anxious I exercise, cook or clean. Right now I can’t really do any of them. I don’t have the time or the physical ability. So when things seem overwhelming or cause me anxiety…I just have to deal with them. And that’s tough. Especially with hormone fluctuations from birth and breastfeeding. But…all in good time.

I also constantly remind myself that each step in this process of raising kids is just a phase…it will not last forever. And even though it may be a tough phase I need to embrace it and enjoy it while it lasts. Soon I’ll look back and miss it. I’m trying to soak up every moment of the newborn phase. I know it’s gone so quickly. And who knows if we’ll ever get to experience it again. Even this phase of Rebecca’s adjustment is something to embrace. She seems to be growing so quickly. I need to enjoy her still being my little girl while I can.

One thing that I have a hard time with but am trying to get better at is learning to let things go. So, the bathrooms don’t get clean for a couple weeks. Or the laundry doesn’t get put away immediately. Or the toys are a little more scattered than usual. It’s ok. All in good time. Soon enough I’ll have the time and energy to deal with those things. For now my focus is on my kids and getting us settled.

Obviously I love to be in my kitchen…cooking, baking, whatever. But right now I just don’t have the time. I’m lucky if I have 2 minutes to make myself lunch let alone bake. Although it’s sad, again, my focus is on other things. So keeping meals simple and flexible has been key. It’s also good to make things Justin can help with if need be.

I’m finding that getting out of the house is a big help. Even if it’s just to take a little walk and get some fresh air. I’m thankful that I feel good enough to do that kind of stuff one week after a c-section. We’ve already taken a couple family walks around the neighborhood and to the library. And tonight we’ll be going to Kindermusik family night. Our first real outing.

Finally a very important part of my day and how I get by is prayer. I know that God will guide me through the tough times. When my anxiety suddenly spikes and I wonder how I’m going to manage I say a prayer and give it to God.

And just a few other tips that seemed to work well for me – prep ahead and don’t jump right into cloth diapering. Before Abram was born I cleaned the whole house very well. I made quite a few freezer meals for us. I had everything organized for my parents and my in-laws for while I was in the hospital. It really made the process easier. And it’s nice to know on crazy days I can just reach into the freezer and pull out a healthy meal. My plan is to use cloth diapers with Abram. And I am very excited about it. But I also know that in the first few weeks I don’t have extra time for laundry and for learning new stuff. So I decided before hand that I would hold off on cloth diapers until we were more settled…and the wet/dirty diapers didn’t happen every half hour 😛  We’re ok with using disposable for a few weeks. We’ll still have a couple years of cloth diapering after that 🙂

This post ended up pretty long. And I’m sure I didn’t even say everything I’m thinking. It’s hard to get it all out of my head. Hopefully I at least gave an idea of some of the struggles and joys of bringing a new baby home…at least the ones I’ve experienced. Sometimes you feel like you are on cloud 9. Other times you want to run and hide. But in the end it’s an amazing journey filled with lots of love and God’s guidance. It’s a chance for change and growth in ways you never thought possible. It truly is a miracle and a blessing to be a mother. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. All moms struggle. We all get overwhelmed. And that’s ok. Just take it one day at a time and trust that God will lead you through it.