I am continuously on a mission to live a healthier life…to heal my body and to be able to live a more “normal” life. Over the last few months I have been doing more and more research. And the more I read the more confused I get. Just when I think I find some info that is helpful/something to try, I read something that totally contradicts it. And then I’m back at square 1. It’s like I’m going in circles. One thing says don’t eat meat/eat less protein. One thing says eat lots of protein. One thing says eat only raw protein. One thing says eat all raw food. One thing says eat lots of fruit. One thing says don’t eat any fruit. One says eat whole wheat/grains. One says don’t eat any wheat. One says eat carbs and protein at every meal. One thing says you can never combine carbs and protein or fruit with anything (and much more). It goes on and on. So how do I know what to believe/what to try? I’m really asking this. I don’t know. If anyone has any advice/good info please share.

I know that I am moving in the right direction in terms of eating more organic and GMO free food, eating much less processed food/HFCS/hydrogenated oils, eating homegrown/locally grown/homemade food. But other than that it seems like I’m not sure where to go.

This month I have been eating gluten free. I can’t say that I’ve noticed any major improvements. If things don’t change a lot in the next 2 weeks I don’t think I’ll be staying gluten free. I guess that’s not such a bad thing :p But it does leave me back where I started.

I talked with my friend Julie on Monday. She mentioned candida. I had read about it a long time ago (when I was doing the IBS stuff…and searching for answers), but forgot about it. I have a lot of reasons to suspect that could be one of my problems. But even if that is true, what do I do about it? Yesterday I was reading lots of stuff that says to cut out all sugar (even fruit :(…bacteria lives on sugar). There is more to it than that, but that is a major part of it. Then today I did a little more searching and found stuff that said don’t listent to that…candida is actually good…it’s insulin resistance that is really causing the problem…and that candida is what fights it. And that you don’t have to cut out sugar (like fruit)…that makes no difference on blood glucose levels. You have to cut out fat. So, now what? I have a huge portion of the symptoms of candida. I tried the saliva test this morning (do a search for it if you’ve never heard of it)…and found the evidence within seconds that it is very prevalent in my body (if that test is valid…some say yes, some say no). But I also could have a degree of isulin resistance. Diabetes is strong in my family. And even though I’m a very small person the hardest place to keep fat/weight off is in my belly…a sign that you are prone to diabetes. So do I have both? Neither? And what do I do about it? I do think that cutting back on sugar will have a positive impact either way. But I don’t want to give up fruit (which I’ve been eating more of lately!) if I don’t have to.

I mentioned fluctuating hormones the other day. I know that is true. But are they caused by something else? Are they the cause or the effect? And how do I get them in balance? Will treating another condition balance the hormones? And possibly help with the fertility issues? And acne?

Regardless of what I “have” I do feel like I need to do something to start fresh. I feel like my body is filled with toxins and no matter what I try I won’t make good progress. I am still researching various “cleanses.” I’ve never been big on those, but you never know. It might really help kickstart things to rid my body of whatever junk/buildup is inside.

In addition to a cleanse I want to take probiotics and a better multi-vitamin. So I will be looking for those as well. Any suggestions?

Another thing I have to consider is my mentality about food/eating in general. I was thinking about it this morning and realized I have a harmful view on food. In high school I had bad eating habits (didn’t eat a lot). This in turn caused my mom to worry about me…even more than she already did. She would almost force me to eat a bedtime snack many nights. I do realize I wasn’t eating well. And I know that as a mother you want to take care of your children. But it created a fear in me. A fear of being unhealthy. A fear of starving almost. And to this day I have a hard time with portion control. Especially when it comes to bedtime snacks…go figure 😛 I always eat a snack before bed…even if I’m not hungry. I subconsciously worry I’ll get too hungry in the night/that I didn’t eat enough during the day. And I give myself much larger portions than I need. Anyone who has seen me dish and eat ice cream over the last 10 years will understand. I can’t just give myself a couple scoops…I might still be hungry! It’s a fear that I don’t even realize/don’t process. But it’s there. So I give myself a ton. And end up eating too much. I should be able to give myself a normal portion. Then if I’m still hungry I can always get more or eat something else. Really, I can (telling myself this :). I do it with a good portion of my food. My bowl of cereal in the morning I pack as full as possible (b/c I wake up starving:)…but then part way through I think I could be done now. But I finish it (can’t waste anything). And then my stomach can’t handle it. I even have a hard time sharing my food. It’s like that one bite I give away will make such a big impact. I know it sounds crazy. And this is the first time I’ve really thought about it/admitted it. But it’s true. I need to change. I need to have a better mentality about food. I eat for my health. I am not going to starve 😛 I can always get seconds if I want. I should not binge on food…especially desserts/things that are tough to digest (hello, am I trying to cause problems?). To this day my mom comments on my weight/eating. And it has impacted me more than I realized. She makes me worry…when I know that I am healthy, I eat healthy food and I am very knowledgeable about proper nutrition. Crazy how much influence your mom can have on you :p This will take a lot of work, but I need to learn to eat normally. Sounds stupid/simple. But it’s not.

I could probably ramble on for a while yet. This is just some of the stuff going round and round in my head lately. And I’m not really sure where to start/what to try. Writing it down does help a little. I guess I need to figure out if I want to do some kind of cleanse…get the junk out. Then go from there and figure out what to put back in. If anyone (any med students? 😉 has any experience/knowledge about any of this please let me know. I know things need to change. But I’m just not sure what/how. And every time I eat I wonder if I’m eating the “right” thing or just making myself feel worse. I have a couple weeks to research. Then we’ll see what I end up trying in June. And I need to figure out how to balance it with making healthy meals for my family…separate meals, make everyone change habits,…? Ugh.