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I’m In Control

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For once I feel like I’m in control and not my anxiety/OCD/irrational fears. I can think logically, clearly. It’s amazing how much my mentality has changed over the last few months. I look back at how I used to live and wonder how I did it. How I could be so concerned about what other people thought of me. How I could try to meet some unrealistic standard of perfection. I also wonder why it took so long to get to this point. I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I’ve climbed out of the valley/out of the shadows. And I can see the view, see the world around me. Every day it seems like I notice little changes. Things don’t seem so overwhelming like they used to. We had dinner guests both Monday and Tuesday (2 nights in a row!). It was a lot of work to do all the baking, cooking and cleaning. But it was also a lot of fun! And no tension, no headaches. I actually felt quite energized! And although it’s nice to have some downtime at home today (and to not have to cook…we’ve got lots of leftovers :), I’m already thinking about what else we can do this week/where we can go/who we could visit. I used to do one thing and need lots of time to “recover.” But not anymore. We went to a wedding reception on Saturday. I ate whatever I wanted. I talked to lots of family and friends. I truly enjoyed myself and didn’t even give a thought to how I was feeling. What a treat! And the next day I did fine. I didn’t need a few days to get my body back on track.

One main area that I’ve gained control is with food. Food used to have such control over me. Not anymore. I used to have very skewed ideas about how much and what I ate. I feared being fat and being too thin at the same time. So it was always a constant battle of eating too much or not enough. I had major issues with portion control. Even just a few months ago it was really bad. But I’ve noticed a big change latley. And especially this week. Monday we celebrated my SIL’s birthday. I made a cake. And for snack before bed I had some cake with ice cream. I had a normal size piece of cake and a couple little scoops of ice cream. A good amount to get a taste of a nice treat. And enough to fill me up. But not stuff myself. Just a few months ago when I made a cake for my BIL’s birthday (in March) I cut myself a huge piece and topped it with a mound of ice cream…I had to use a big bowl to fit it all. And then I actually had seconds on the ice cream…and finished the container! I felt so sick afterwards, and it makes me sick just thinking about it now. I’m learning to listen to my body. Eat when I’m hungry, don’t when I’m not. What a concept 😛 So simple and yet so profound.

I know ultimately God is in control. And I am SO thankful for that. But I am also in control now. Not my distorted thinking. I don’t want to live a life in fear. That is a life of sin. I want to live a life of faith and hope. I’m getting there.

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