Rebecca is 1 today!!!! I can’t believe our baby is a year old. At this time last year I was getting prepped for a c-section. Crazy. Anyway, I decorated Rebecca’s cake yesterday and thought I’d post a pic. There is a small chance I’ll still add a little to it, but probably not. I don’t think it turned out quite as well as I would have liked/not quite what I pictured in my head. But it’s still cute. And the cutest part will be Rebecca eating it 🙂 So the decoration doesn’t really matter. Plus I didn’t put as much time into it as I could have because I thought my time was better spent playing outside with Rebecca in this awesome weather 🙂 And we’re excited to do it again today!!

Last night I made a modified version of a Seder Meal. It is a traditional Jewish Passover meal served on Maundy Thursday/Holy Thursday. We had it on Friday since Justin is not home for dinner on Thursdays. It was neat to make a meal that helped remember and celebrate the full Easter story. I think this will become something we do more often to help teach our kids. And I want to do it with other holidays/events, not just Easter.

I made a birthday cake for my BIL this weekend. It wasn’t anything too extravagant, but it was very good. A 3 layer chocolate cake with raspberry filling. Turned out really well.

Just one more reason not to eat HFCS:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,484088,00.html

I’m doing my best to eliminate it from our house. It’s tough when it’s in so much of the food we buy. You really have to read labels carefully. It’s in places you wouldn’t even expect.

I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution. I guess I don’t see the need for a new year to make a change. But lots of change is happening coincidentally with the new year this year. And I have a few food related things I’ve been thinking about for a while that I want to change. I don’t know how successful I’ll be, but if I at least write them down maybe it will help. So, this isn’t so much a New Year’s resolution, it’s just a goal to start leading a healthier lifestyle.

1. I want to eat less sugar. I have a sweet tooth :p And being home with candy sitting out all day doesn’t help. It has nothing to do with weight loss…since I could stand to gain a few pounds 😛 But I know it’s healthier and will probably help my digestive issues.

2. I want to eat less processed food. It’s very discouraging to read more and more about all the chemicals and junk that goes into so much of our food. And if food companies aren’t going to be held responsible for putting quality products on the shelves the I guess I have to be more careful about what I buy. I want to do this for myself, but also for my family. I don’t need Rebecca growing up on chemicals, sugar and just plain old junk. This will be a tough one for me since I’ve lived on packaged food like graham crackers for years because it was about all my stomach could handle. But I’ll give it my best shot. And am hoping to start making my own crackers, etc.

3. I want to eat less meat. I told Justin I would like to start making vegetarian meals once in a while. I think I’ll shoot for once a month to start. We both grew up in meat and potato homes, so we’re used to meat being the center of the meal. I LOVE vegetarian food. So I’m sure I won’t mind. Hopefully Justin won’t mind the change either. And hopefully we can increase the frequency. Plus I think it will make us try lots of new foods and be more creative. I want Rebecca to grow up with a wide variety of foods and flavors.

4. I want to eat more natural/organic/local food. I’ll have to make a point of shopping at health food stores once in a while. My main concern is the cost. But I think a little extra money is worth it for our health. And I want to take full advantage of local markets. We are planning to buy another freezer (upright) for the basement. Once we have that I can really stock up in the summer at the farmer’s market. And I want to start buying locally grown meat. Every time I buy meat at the grocery store it grosses me out more and more. I feel like I’m buying meat pumped with chemicals.

5. I would like to eat more whole foods. This will be a tough one since Justin pretty much doesn’t like any raw veggies. He doesn’t even like them steamed…no crunch. So I’ll have to go slowly with this. I want to keep as much nutrients in the food we eat as possible. And hopefully use canned goods very minimally (aside from things like tomatoes).

6. I want to make more of our food instead of buying pre-made stuff. Like cooking beans instead of buying them canned. Making crackers instead of buying them. Things like that.

I know this is all very ambitious. But hopefully I can at least make some small steps towards a healthier lifestyle for myself and my family. If you have any tips of your own about how to do some of these let me know. Here’s to good health in the new year!

It’s tough to capture so much in a few short posts. But I’ll attempt to keep explaining my journey.

I’ll turn to my mental health now. I mentioned that I started seeing a psychologist in 2005. That was a major step in my recovery, healing, growing process. I started out focusing on my anxiety caused by my health problems. And we gradually dug deeper…to find that my anxiety goes much beyond that. I grew up a worrier. I felt like I had to be perfect. I didn’t want to ever make anyone upset. I didn’t want to let anyone down. So I lived a life trying (but obviously failing) to be perfect and please everyone…but myself. I worked hard in school to get good grades. Anything besides an A was a failure to me. I had perfect attendance in high school…didn’t miss a day all 4 years. I wanted everyone’s approval…friends, family, etc. I compared myself constantly to others…always trying to measure up to someone else’s standards. I never asked anyone else for anything. I thought I should be able to do everything myself. I never admitted mistakes. I could not handle criticism. And having a very not perfect body made things very tough. I tried to hide any pain I had. I wanted to always seem “normal” and not stand out. I was always so concerned about what others would think.

My therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) started with simple steps. I had to ask Justin for help…just for minor things like doing the dishes or emptying the trash. Surprisingly that was very tough for me. But I did it…and found that it was good to ask for help…and that Justin wanted to help me. I like to help others, so what made me think someone else wouldn’t want to help me? Why would it be a burden if I asked, but no big deal if someone else did? Not logical, I know (now). Then I had to start assessing stressful situations…what can I control, what can’t I control. Then let the things go that I can’t control. I would go through this process before every doctor appointment, every time we traveled, even before we would go out to dinner. I learned various techniques to control and counteract my anxiety. Each one helping a little more. So the panic attacks ended. And I could function a little better. But the anxiety was still there, just not quite as intense. My physical healing (surgery/recovery) also made a huge impact. When a major source of my anxiety was severely lessened, so was the anxiety.

I continued to see my psychologist (and still do once in a while) regularly. She really helped me through the journey through infertility. I met with her throughout my pregnancy and afterwards. Amazingly I did fine with all the hormones, etc. No post-partum depression. Little by little I saw myself transforming. God was bringing me out of the valley. But that does not mean I’m done.

I still had one pressing physical issue I had never dealt with…overactive bladder. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I HATED traveling when I was little. I would just stare out the window for the next rest area sign. I didn’t even like the drive to church becuase I was afraid I would have to go to the bathroom. So I saw a urologist a few months ago. And of course there isn’t anything physcially wrong…just an overactive bladder. Lucky me 😛 Becuase of my colon issues I can’t take the medications that are available for OAB. So it’s just an annoyance. At least so far. My regular psychologist referred me to a colleague to try another kind of therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). So in October I saw another doctor to try EMDR (she does it with sound and touch, not sight). I did 2 sessions with her. And I think that was my real starting point to the major changes I’ve seen lately. This type of therapy helps you get rid of traumatic memories (namely my bladder/bathroom issues as a child). It really helped me see clearly the root of a lot of my anxiety and my personality. It gave a starting point for change. I don’t have to be perfect! Good enough is ok! God loves me just the way I am and so should I! I wouldn’t think less of anyone else that had physical limitations/health problems. Why do I think others will think less of me? This doctor also suggested I try another therapy called EFT (emotional freedom techniques) to continue to reduce my anxiety. I am still in the process of trying that. I hope it helps as well.

And as is always the case, God has his timing worked out perfectly. This change and growth I’m seeing all comes now that I’m a mother. I don’t want to pass my anxiety and my perfectionism on to my daughter. I want to teach her that I love her for who she is. She doesn’t have to be perfect. She is a child of God and his perfect creation. Rebecca is teaching me so much too. And I can especially see how much grace God shows me every day when I fall down. He doesn’t hold anything against me or get frustrated or angry with me. He shows unconditional love.

I used to compare myself to other moms. It always seems like everyone else has it all together. But I am realizing that is not true. I joined MOPS this year. And I am so glad I did. It is amazing to share experiences with other moms and know that I am not alone in the things I struggle with. It has also been amazing to see so many different women…and truly value them for their uniqueness. Everyone has different talents and struggles. But they are all children of God and He loves them all just the same…and that includes me! I have also had the opportunity to hear two amazing authors speak…Shauna Niequist and Karen Hossink. God knew I needed to hear the message from both of them. Their books have been a true inspiration to me. And I am growing daily, striving to be the woman (wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc.) that God wants me to be. He is using every one of my struggles to show me his full character and to make me more like Christ. And of course God always puts things right in front of you when you need to see it. When I read part of “Confessions of an Irritable Mother” today this is what it said:

“God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. As you journey through life, in and out of various fires, I pray these lessons will buoy you and bulid your faith. Think about this: It isn’t a random chance that you’re reading this book! God knew you would be reading these words before I even knew I’d be writing them. He is always good and He will use everything in your life according to His good purposes!”

That pretty much sums it up 🙂 God is good! And He is in charge. His plans are always better than anything I could dream of. I may be on a long journey through one fire after the next. But I trust that God is using each one to mold me into the woman He wants me to be. Without my daily physical struggles I probably wouldn’t even be writing this blog! I spend time pretty much every day after lunch at the computer, but probably wouldn’t if I didn’t need time for my body to relax and digest :p God has a purpose for everything. He can use you no matter what your limitations or struggles.

I have skimmed over a lot of stuff (hard to capture 20 years of health issues and 3 1/2 years of therapy in a few paragraphs), but I hope these few posts have given you a little glimpse into the trials I’ve faced and continue to face…and the joys I’ve experienced. But more importantly I hope it has given you a glimpse into the deep, deep love that God has for us and his unchanging ways. I don’t know what else God has in store for me, but I do know that I am thankful for the struggles I have faced and the perseverance and growth they have produced. I am thankful for a loving God that is refining me and renewing me each day! God has a plan for me and He’s working it out to completion day by day.

I hope to continue to write reflective posts (sharing my struggles and my joys) as I continue to grow and learn. Who knows, maybe these posts are all part of God’s plan to help me be a help to others 🙂 I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me!

Here comes another long post, be prepared 🙂

After years of being sick and then recovering from surgery I finally felt like my body was healthy enough for us to start a family. I had been waiting for that! But of course things don’t always go as we plan. Even before surgery I knew my body was not functioning the way it should in the reproductive department…big surprise, my body not cooperating. So we never technically even got to “try” before seeking help. While I was still home recovering I set up an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist). My very first day back at work after surgery was the same day as my first consult with the specialist (God wasn’t wasting any time:). Boy was that a long day! I talked with the doctor, was examined, had bloodwork, the whole deal. Basically I don’t ovulate (without medication) and I found out I have hypothyroidism. So we started down the path of fertility meds. I started with clomid. In addition to taking thyroid meds. And attempting (unsuccessfully) to gain weight (lost a lot after years of being sick and not able to eat much). Each month I was hopeful…but my body didn’t want to cooperate, as usual. After 3 months on clomid (higher doses each month) and one IUI we were still at square one. And then we got more bad news. We found out it wasn’t just my body that wasn’t working…my husband had problems too. We had a consult with the doctor again. Our only option was to go to in-vitro fertilization with ICSI. We had to take a little time off (so tough, but necessary for me both mentally and physically). During that time we took a trip to Spain…yea! And I started taking birth control (sounds odd, but that’s how the process works). After a month of that it was time to start stimulation. I HATE needles, so this was very tough. During stimulation you give yourself (yes, you do it yourself…or have your wonderful husband do it…like mine:) anywhere from 1 to 4 shots a day. Some in the stomach, some in the butt :p I had periodic ultrasounds to see how things were going. I was excited at first as the follicles were growing. But at my last ultrasound before they take the eggs out they saw that I had produced a ton of follicles…over 40 (no wonder I felt so bloated!)! *a normal woman produces 1 each month* As I was waiting anxiously for the egg retrieval we got some news from my brother and SIL (sorry, Sara, had to mention this part:)…they were pregnant…without even trying. I was so upset. It was the day before retrieval…the 4th of July. It just didn’t seem fair. Hadn’t I been through enough already? How come I had to go through this now when it was so easy for most people. The next day they took out all the follicles/eggs. Then we waited again to hear the fertilization report. It was pretty good. We would have some to transfer and some to freeze. But then we had to wait again. Because I produced so many eggs I hyperstimulated. The follicles fill up with fluid and it fills your abdomen. So here I was trying so hard to get pregnant…and looking pregnant because my belly was full of fluid…and I still just had to wait. I was out of work for a week and a half until the fluid started to drain (spent a lot of time in the bathroom:). During that time you pretty much can’t to do anything because you feel sick and too much activity could damage your ovaries. Finally in early August of 2007 we were ready for the transfer. I had been taking estrogen (pills) and progesterone (shots) to prepare. They transferred 2 embryos. Then the LONG wait. The day finally came for the pregnancy test. I went to the doctor in the morning for bloodwork. Then Justin and I spent the rest of the morning shopping (to distract ourselves). Around 1:30 pm the nurse called. I’ll never forget that call. I think my heart stopped for a minute. And then she said, “it’s positive.” I asked her if she was serious :p I just couldn’t believe it. After all we’d gone through, was this really true? It was! God is good! I continued to do the progesterone shots for the first 10 weeks of the pregnancy (yes, 10 weeks). I prayed every day that it would be a healthy pregnancy…that nothing would happen now that we were at this point. And God listened. On April 17, 2008 I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. It was a scheduled c-section (had to do that because of my colon surgery). I have dreamed of being a mother ever since I was little. And now it’s finally happened. And although I don’t wish the pain and difficulty of infertility on anyone, I wouldn’t change a thing. I see God most clearly in my frailty and in my sufferings. And all things happen in his time. God had a lot of work to do on me before I was ready to become a mother…even though I didn’t realize it. Maybe I’m just so hard headed that it takes physical limitations for God to get through to me and show me that He is in charge…not me 🙂 I am such a planner, but I know God’s plans are so much better. So I have to trust in Him when things don’t go according to my plans. We don’t know what God has in store for us on our journey to have more children…will it happen naturally, will we have to do IVF for each one, will there be more, will we adopt? But I know He has it all worked out better than I could. It is not easy, but it is a joy to face trials. Those are the times God draws me close and renews me. Without the things I’ve been through I wouldn’t be the person I am today. God has humbled me time and time again and continues to show me that He is in control. And that He is working on me to make me perfect and complete. And He has brought other women into my life that need support and encouragement to deal with similar situations. God uses our sufferings for good.

I’m sure I could add so much more, but I’ll end there. There is still more to come. Part 3 will explain some more recent parts of my life.

For the last few days I’ve been singing “Jesus Loves Me” to Rebecca a lot. She loves it 🙂 Always puts a smile on her face. I usually do it during a diaper change. I did it today before her nap, as usual. And had it running through my head…as usual 🙂 Then I sat down to finish my lunch and to read. I read some scripture. Then I opened “Confessions of an Irritable Mother”…and the title of the chapter was “For the Bible Tells Me So.” And it started out talking about the song “Jesus Loves Me.” God has his own ways of speaking to us…and over the last few days, and even weeks, He’s been reminding me over and over how much He loves me. I’ve had a couple sessions with a new psychologist lately and she helped me realize I need to accept myself, and love myself. I’m not perfect. And then our MOPS speaker last week (the author of the book I’m reading) drove it home again. And reading this book God is really speaking to me. He loves me no matter what. I can’t do anything to make Him love me more or less. And I don’t have to earn it. I don’t have to be perfect! It’s so simple and yet so profound. It’s amazing how God uses just the right people and just the right timing to teach us things. He is working to transform me and refine me. And He is using all of my struggles (those I’ve mentioned in my previous post and those I have yet to post about) to do so. God is teaching me all about love…for myself and others. Just this afternoon I could already sense a change. Some days Rebecca goes down for her afternoon nap well, others not so well. And in the past my initial reaction when she starts fussing/crying when she should be sleeping is frustration. I know she’s tired, I know she needs to sleep…so why doesn’t she? It’s not necessarily a good reaction, but it’s just my instinct. I’m logical, so that is logical to me…if she’s tired she should sleep. But today it was different. She squirmed for a bit and then started crying. Instead of feeling frustrated and thinking, it’s one of those days, I immediately felt sorry for her. I thought, you poor thing, you’re so tired, you’re teething. It must feel awful to not be able to get to sleep. And instead of moving her to her swing (the gauranteed napper 🙂 and putting her in as quickly as possible and getting back to what I was doing, I was able to comfort her, be calm, and even get her to smile and cheer up before putting her in the swing. And once she was strapped in she was out in minutes. And I felt better too. God doesn’t get frustrated with me when I do things He doesn’t like. He loves me anyway and is calm and gentle with me. I need to do the same for others, especially my daughter. Jesus loves me this I know! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me in this refining process!

Over the last 10 years (at least) God has shown me many things by using my frail, human body. I could probably write a book about it, so I’ll try not to add too much detail. I guess I’ll start with my digestive issues. They became noticeable in college (even though looking back I had had minor problems for years). And they seemed to coincide with increased anxiety…leaving home, starting college, not knowing anyone, trying out for the soccer team, starting the engineering program, taking honors classes. It was a lot at once, especially for a very shy person. I left a group of friends that I knew and loved and started a life where I didn’t know anyone. Freshman year came and went. I enjoyed it, but I still didn’t feel like I fit in/hadn’t made many close friends. Sophomore year came with it’s own challenges…not being 1st string on the soccer team anymore and wondering where I stood, going potluck for a roommate again…and starting the year off horribly with her, classes getting more challenging, starting a job in the engineering department. That summer I had my first internship at Delphi. Being a 20 year old woman working with all middle age men is not the easiest thing. Especially when you lack confidence in the work you’re doing. So again, the anxiety increased…and the digestive issues intensified. Junior year I started dating Justin (now my husband:). Boys can be a source of anxiety for anyone 🙂 To add to that pressure, I did not make the soccer team. Another event that made me question my abilities/my worth. And again, classes started getting more challenging. That summer I had my 2nd internship. It was at Delphi, but a different facility…all new people and products to work with. Senior year Justin and I were dating very seriously. School was as challenging as ever. I was still working in the engineering office (which I loved, by the way). I was the president of IEEE (electrical engineering society). I had a lot going. But was still unsure of myself. And my digestive issues and anxiety continued to increase. After graduation I started working at Smiths Aerospace. Now I was a real engineer, not just an intern. I had no clue what I was doing. And I was living 100% on my own for the first time. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Year after year I was faced with challenges that made me less and less confident, gave me more and more anxiety, and made my health issues worse. I got married in 2003, which was one of the best things to happen to me. But I was still so insecure that I worried about every little thing…was I being a good wife, did I make good meals, is Justin happy. And one of my biggest worries was that my digestive problems were limiting my life…what I could do, where I could go. I finally got the courage to see my doctor. We tried various drugs…anti-depressants, anti-spasmodics, Zelnorm, fiber supplements, I had various tests done. None of it seemed to help. So I went to a gastroenterologist. I went through more tests (colonoscopy, endoscopy, etc.)…and found nothing. That doctor basically told me I was young and healthy and had a little IBS and pushed me out the door. So I felt even worse…I felt sick…and nobody would listen or help. I decided to take things into my own hands. I researched IBS and started to change the way I ate. I gradually cut out all red meat, all dairy, almost all wheat, raw fruits and veggies, all caffeine, all carbonation, all artificial sweeteners, all kinds of stuff. I started to lose weight (not wanting to). But I continued to feel sick. And it became more and more consuming. I was afraid to leave the house half of the time. I had to bring my own food wherever I went. I started having panic attacks. Things just got worse and worse. In 2005 I started seeing a psychologist (thanks to the suggestion of my in-laws). I think that was the first step in things changing…and in seeing that God was still in control, even if it didn’t feel like it. I realized there was a connection between my stomach and my anxiety. So I continued therapy and felt a little better mentally. But physically things were still bad. I knew therapy wouldn’t totally change that. I did more and more research and finally diagnosed myself (since my doctors weren’t much help). I managed to get a referral to a colon surgeon who confirmed my diagnosis (after more unpleasant tests). In September of 2006 I had major surgery to fix the problem (feel free to ask me about it if you want to know more details, but I won’t gross everyone out that doesn’t care to know:). It was one of the toughest things I’ve had to go through. After 5 days in the hospital I came home. I then went through 2 months of initial recovery. I slept on the living room floor for 5 weeks so I didn’t have to go upstairs and so I could get up as much as I needed to in the night without bothering Justin. I had to go very slowly with increasing food quantities at one sitting. It was difficult. The full recovery probably took a good year. I gradually started trying “forbidden” food again…and doing fine. I was seeing the change I had dreamed of for years. Looking back I can see God’s hands and God’s timing in it all, as strange as that sounds. And I realize that sometimes you have to get to a low point to truly see God and his love…and to hear Him. God continually has to tell me I can’t do it all on my own. He is in control, not me. I still struggle daily with digestive issues…my body will never be totally “normal.” But it is so much better than it was. Sometimes I don’t even know how I managed before. I have limitations, but they remind me daily that this body is frail and human. And gives me the longing for a perfect body someday. And I am learning each day to accept myself the way I am. God made me just the way He wants me to be. I may have to do more planning than other people or stick to a more rigid schedule so my body can work well. I may have to be more careful about what I eat, how much I eat and when I eat. I may have times of the day when I just don’t feel all that great. But that’s ok. God can still use me. He is renewing me and refining me each and every day.

I guess I’ll stop there for now. Be on the lookout for Part 2, what came after recovery from surgery.

This recipe is from Justin’s mom. I’ve never made it myself, but have used some stock she gave us. It’s very good.

Vegetable Soup Stock

2 quarts green beans
12 large carrots
5 stalks celery
3 green peppers
9 medium onions
1 peck tomatoes (enough to fill roaster)
1/4 cup salt

Chop veggies fine. Cook until tender in large roaster. Process 40 minutes in boiling water bath.

When ready to make soup: Add enough broth/water w/ bouillion to consistency you like. You can add cooked meat, beans and/or 1/2 cup rice or barley.