Over the weekend I made my first attempt at sprouting grains. I used hard white wheat (some winter, some spring). It turned out to be super easy! And went so quickly. I started soaking the berries Saturday night. By Monday mid-morning I had freshly ground sprouted wheat flour and some homemade sprouted whole wheat graham crackers 🙂  I’m so glad I tried this. I’ll be sprouting more of my wheat berries for sure. By sprouting the berries before grinding the flour I eliminate the step of soaking the flour. This is so handy for recipes that aren’t conducive to soaking, like many bread products. I’m planning to make sprouted whole wheat bagels later this week with the remainder of my fresh flour. I’ll post the method I used for both the sprouting and the drying. You don’t have to dry the berries. You can use them as soon as they are done sprouting in certain recipes, but not to make flour. They have to be dry to make flour. I followed the method I found on Kelly the Kitchen Cop. She also talks more in deatil about why you should sprout, in case you’re interested.

Sprouted Wheat Berries (or any other grain)

You start with whole grains (or seeds), like spelt or wheat berries.

Fill your jar about 1/3 full of grains, then add filtered water to the top, cover and soak overnight. (I used 3 1-qt jars.)

Next, drain them well. I drained them with a small strainer over the top of the jar. Then I put cheesecloth over the top, secured with a rubber band. And place them upside down in a large bowl.

Rinse them 1-3 times per day…however often it takes to keep them damp. But after rinsing, they need to be draining again, so that they aren’t wet for long.

The sprouting can take anywhere from 1 to 4 days I think. But in this heat mine went quickly. I started draining Sunday morning. By Sunday night they were sprouted and ready for drying. At this point you can dry the berries or use them in casseroles and salads.

Sprouted wheat flour

After the sprouting dry the berries on a cookie sheet in the oven at 150. It took about 10 hours for mine to completely dry. Make sure they are totally dry, or they can ruin your grain mill.

Then grind finely in your grain mill. And you have sprouted flour (also known as bulgur flour*)!! Store in the refrigerator or freezer.

*If you do a course grind instead of a fine grind you will have bulgur.

I’m starting to venture into the land of homemade dairy products. Last night I started with the easiest ones…cream cheese and whey. It only takes one ingredient…yogurt. At some point I’d like to make my own yogurt, but for now I just use Stonyfield organic plain full fat yogurt. My real motivation for doing this was to get the whey. I need it for some recipes this week. It’s just an added bonus that you get two foods out of this recipe. What’s left after removing the whey could be cream cheese or greek (strained/thick) yogurt. Whichever you’d like to use it for. If you use it for cream cheese it will be a very soft cream cheese. Not like what you buy. This will be the real deal 🙂  I didn’t make a ton since this was my first attempt…just used what was left in the container of yogurt (maybe 1 cup?). It took a couple hours for it to drain. So easy. Can’t wait to try out our new cream cheese 🙂  I got the recipe/method from my Nourishing Traditions cookbook.

Well, I’m trying to. Not long ago I wrote a post about being alone. That was how I felt the day after I found out what we had hoped would be baby #2 was not. That was 4 weeks ago. I was at a very low point. But since then God has really been working in me and showing me that he uses all things for his purpose and for the good of those who love him. A while back I wrote some posts about the various ways we hear God speaking. Well, he’s showing me more ways lately. We had a MOPS speaker recently that talked about taking off your mask and listening to God. Those were both exactly what I needed to hear. They allowed me to open up about our recent IVF journey. It also opened me up to truly listening to what God has to say. Not long after we found out the last IVF transfer didn’t work I read a blog post by Karen Hossink (http://surviving-motherhood.blogspot.com/ ) that talked about taking the long way around. God used Karen to speak to me. Sometimes God takes us the long way around to get to where we need to go. But he has a reason. That has given me peace and hope as we wait on this journey. Then Karen read one of my posts on my family’s blog that I had written about Rebecca. And she commented on it…using MY OWN WORDS to speak to me. Here is what I said:

“Rebecca is acting more and more like 2 now as well. She has strong opinions and doesn’t like to be told no. She seems to think that no always means something is permanent. Like if it’s potty time and we tell her to put a doll down she thinks she can’t ever have it back. She starts crying saying “you can’t have it.” Hopefully at some point she’ll understand that it’s only for a minute. In the mean time whenever we need to do something (like run upstairs for a minute) she feels it’s necessary to pick up every toy in a 10 foot radius that she can possilby hold in her arms and take it with her 😛 Just in case.”

Here was Karen’s response:

“I have to say, though, most adults I know don’t like to be told NO, either. Sometimes we act more like two-year-olds than grown-ups. *sigh*”

Here I was writing about my 2 year old…laughing about how she always thinks a “no” is permanent, when it’s only temporary. Karen helped me see that God does the same thing with me. Sometimes he says “no,” and I get all worked up that it means something will never happen. When in reality it just may be that something else needs to happen first…and God knows best and knows exactly what I need when I need it. I just have to trust that he is in control. Just like Rebecca can trust that what I’m doing is in her best interest. I have to do the same with my heavenly father.

God truly speaks through other moms and even through me! One final woman that has touched me recently is another speaker (and mom) that we had at MOPS this year. She wrote a book (Joy in the Morning…just finished reading it today) about the hardship her family faced when her 4 year old daughter had a rare disease which caused her whole body to shut down. It took months in the hospital and months of therapy for her to recover. Their whole life was turned upside down. But they learned to surrender everything to God and know that he had a plan and purpose for this. Her ability to surrender her life 100% to God was amazing. For a while she couldn’t even touch her daughter. She couldn’t do anything for her little girl. So she had to surrender her 100% to God and trust he was taking care of her when all she could do was sit back and watch.

Through this book, prayer, and daily email devotions I get (that all focused on surrender a week ago) God has really been working on this with me. I have major control issues. Hello, I have OCD! The whole basis of it is that you want total control of some aspect of your life. But God has been slowly allowing me to give up that control. To totally surrender to him. It started with the IVF/fertility stuff. I let go of the hold I had on our story/our struggles. I had kept it a secret. But God told me to just let it go, open up, be vulnerable. He would use our struggles for his purpose. And since then I have felt a great sense of peace about our situation. I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if we will have 1 more child, 5 more children or no more biological children. But I do know that whatever happens is in God’s hands. I can surrender it all to him and trust 100% that he is in control. He is using my life for his purpose. And however he needs to do that is ok with me. And I know that I would not have been able to do this had we not gone through our infertility struggles and our recent loss. I still struggle with what happened. But at the same time I praise and thank God for using it to draw me to him. I’ve never felt such freedom in  my life.

You’ll notice that at the beginning of this post I said I was trying to surrender all. Well, I am. But it is so tough. There are a lot of things in my life that I keep a tight grip on/try to control. But the main thing is my OCD. It impacts every minute of my life. And it’s so hard to give up that control. But I know God can do it. He can free me from it. And he WILL do it in his time. When I started my treatment for OCD a year ago just talking about it made me panic. Now when I think about letting it go I get butterflies, almost a sense of excitement. God is giving me a spirit of boldness to take a step out in faith. To trust him 100% and know that he will be guiding me every step of the way. Again he will use my struggles for his plans and purpose. He can use me, yes me, to be a light to others. My OCD issues are very intertwined with my digestive issues. And in my May goal post I said a long term goal was to be able to stop using Miralax and Citrucel. They are like my security blankets…knowing they will ensure at least a degree of function/normalcy. But over the last week I decided to go from taking more than my normal dose (bumped it up during my IVF stuff because of how much the hormones affect me) to taking about 3/4 dose. I figure I’ll never know if I never try. So I just decided to do it. And God will take care of the rest. He is faithful. As I sit her typing I’m in an OCD type state. A year ago I would have been panicking right now based on how I’m feeling. But today I just keep reminding myself that God is in control. I don’t have to be. Just let it go. Surrender it to God. And I remain calm…mostly 😉  I’m getting there.

I am slowly learning to truly listen to God and to surrender every aspect of my life to him. I know that my circumstances are irrelevant. God can and will use me. He cares about me. He wants good for me. He wants to use me, even in the midst of my trials, for his purpose. So I strive towards that goal…to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. And one day at a time I try to surrender all to him.

Have you ever felt totally alone? I mean completely. Like the world was silent? 3 weeks ago tomorrow I found out that I was not pregnant. We had been so hopeful…things were progressing. And then it ended. I was in shock. I was so upset. I was confused. I was angry. How could God let it happen? That day I was just really upset. But the next morning was when I experienced something I don’t ever want to feel again. I felt alone. Completely alone. I stood in my kitchen and it felt like everything around me had disappeared. Everything was silent. There was nobody there but me (even though my family was upstairs sleeping). Nobody to lean on. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to cry to for help. What I mean is…it felt like God was gone. I have never felt that kind of loneliness in my life. Although I could tell myself God was right there with me, I couldn’t feel his presence. And it was scary. So very scary. It felt like I couldn’t even pray. Because nobody would be there to listen. I almost felt panicked. As the day went on I gradually felt more and more aware of God’s love and his arms around me. He was there. I knew he was. But I’ve never felt like he wasn’t before until that moment. And I hope I never feel that way again. Since then I have thought about it often. And it made me think…there are people that feel that way every minute of every day of their lives. They don’t know God. They don’t feel him nearby, guiding them. They don’t feel like no matter what happens in this world that there is always someone to turn to that will not leave them. And my heart hurts for them. I would live my life in total fear if I did not know God, if I couldn’t offer up a quick prayer any moment of my day and know that God was in control, if I felt like I had to do it all on my own. I don’t want anyone to have to live that way. It’s so scary. Just feeling it for a few hours was enough for me. I pray that whoever is reading this does not feel that loneliness. And if you do, I am praying for you. God loves you. You never have to be alone.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Although I didn’t know this week existed until a few days ago, I have been very aware of infertility for quite some time. I am very open about the fact that we used in-vitro fertilization to have our daughter. You can read about our experience in this post about “my body.” But what I have not been open about is what has happened since then. I have gone back and forth about how much of our struggles to keep private and how much to share. At my last MOPS meeting we heard a wonderful speaker and she talked about taking off your mask…admitting your flaws, letting people see all of you, acknowledgeing your fallen nature, opening up to others, not trying to be perfect/just show people the good parts. And after a lot of thought and prayer and discussion with my husband and some close friends I’ve decided to share a little more and slowly remove one of my masks. It’s scary, but I’m praying God will use my struggles for his purpose. I’m partly doing this for myself. Although it is personal it’s also freeing to open up and let go of secrets. I’m also doing this for anyone that might read my blog and be struggling with infertility. I am always happy to be a source of support or encouragement. My thoughts are a little scattered, so bear with me. I will be using terms you may not be familiar with if you don’t know anything about IVF (in-vitro fertilization). I appologize in advance, but it’s tough to explain it any other way.

Like I said before, we did IVF to have our daughter. We were very fortunate to get pregnant on the first try. But since then our journey through the world of infertility has gone down hill. In October of 2009 we decided to start trying for a 2nd child. We did a frozen IVF transfer using our remaining embyros. It did not work. So we had to start over. In November of 2009 we did a fresh round of IVF…stimulation and retrieval. Just like our first IVF cycle, I hyperstimulated (produced over 40 eggs). Because of this I can’t do a fresh transfer. We froze our embryos and waited while I recovered. In January of 2010 we did a frozen transfer. A few hours after the transfer I came down with the stomach flu. And knew right away it wouldn’t work…and it didn’t. In February of 2010 we did another frozen transfer. Somehow our family managed to get the flu yet again. Rebecca came down with a bad case 2 days before my transfer. And of course I got it a few days after my transfer. And had a negative result again. Since then the Dr. has told us that he was really surprised that the transfer did not work based on the embryo quality. He said the flu could have been what caused the failure. We went on to do a third frozen transfer in March of 2010. This transfer emptied the freezer again. At the end of March I had my pregnancy test. The results came back inconclusive…not positive…but not negative. Over the course of a couple weeks the hcg levels started rising and we were hopeful. But my 4th test showed that the levels were going back down…an early miscarriage. And now we are back to square one again. This was just a few weeks ago. And we are still getting over it. We don’t know why all this had to happen. And I don’t think we will ever understand. It is a struggle. Some days are easier. Some days are very tough. But we are trusting that God has a plan and a purpose. He can use our struggles for his good. So we are waiting to see what He has in store. We did have a very good consult with our doctor and will be moving on to another round of IVF later this year. We are hopeful that God will bless us with the family we have always dreamed of. We pray for Rebecca each day that she will experience the joy of having siblings. And we know that in all this God has a plan, a purpose and perfect timing.

So that’s where we’re at in our experience with infertility. And we are not alone. So many people struggle with infertility. It is good to hear about things that raise awareness. It is not a life threatening illness, but it is one of the toughest things anyone can go through. It can consume your whole world. It can be tough just to go to the store or church or wherever. There is a constant reminder of what you don’t have. It is so tough physically and emotionally. And it puts a strain on you financially (I wish MI required insurance to at least cover some of the expenses!). If you don’t konw much about infertility, please take a moment to read up on it. If you know someone that struggles with infertility, support them in any way you can. It’s not something you should have to go through alone…but most people do. This is National Infertility Awareness Week…and I am very aware. Are you?

RESOLVE

A few facts from the RESOLVE website about infertility:

Infertility is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive system. Both the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recognize infertility as a disease.

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth.

•Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples. (2002 National Survey of Family Growth)

•Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained. (http://www.asrm.org/)

•A couple ages 29-33 with a normal functioning reproductive system has only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month (National Women’s Health Resource Center). After six months of trying, 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)

•Approximately 44% of women with infertility have sought medical assistance. Of those who seek medical intervention, approximately 65% give birth. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)

•Approximately 85-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures. Fewer than 3% need advanced reproductive technologies like in vitro fertilization (IVF). (http://www.asrm.org/)

•The most recently available statistics indicate the live birth rate per fresh non-donor embryo transfer is 28%. (Assisted Reproductive Technology Success Rates, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2005)

•Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia. (For more on this visit the insurance coverage section of resolve.org.)

•Offering a comprehensive infertility treatment benefit with appropriate utilization controls may actually reduce costs and improve outcomes by eliminating the inappropriate use of costly covered procedures and allowing specialists to use the most effective, efficient treatment for a specific type of infertility. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)

•A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine (August 2002) found that the percentage of high-order pregnancies (those with three or more fetuses) was greater in states that did not require insurance coverage for IVF. The authors of the study noted that mandatory coverage is likely to yield better health outcomes for women and their infants since high-order births are associated with higher-risk pregnancies.

Rebecca turned 2 yesterday! We had a fun family day. I decided to make her a Dora cake this year. And Rebecca requested sprinkles and rainbow ice cream. So I made a white cake with rainbow colors (bottom layer yellow and green, top layer pink and blue). It’s tough to see them all in the picture…we haven’t quite gotten to the blue yet 😛  But you can at least see a little of every color. And we had rainbow ice cream with it. She loved it! And we did too 🙂  And Rebecca even got to eat it on her Dora plate. I’ll post a picture of the cake layers so you can see the colors.

Just read this post on Heavenly Homemakers about an ice cream experiment. Crazy! And really makes you think twice about what you buy vs. what you make. We’ve really been enjoying either organic or homemade ice cream over the past month. Can’t wait to dig into my latest creation on Sat. for Justin’s birthday…chocolate peanut butter cookies ‘n’ cream 🙂

Let’s Go Knights! That was the theme for yesterday’s events. It was my Dad’s birthday. My whole family went to the Calvin basketball game (they won!). And then they all came to our house for dinner, gifts and dessert. Sticking with the Calvin theme I made a cake with the new Knight logo. Turned out pretty well. It was a yellow cake with white frosting (some just plain vanilla frosting and some homemade vanilla buttercream). Yum!!! Here are a few pics.

I haven’t had a chance to take any good pics yet. I’ll do that before I send off the cake today. It was sitting in the box when I took these. But here is a sneak peek at the cake I made for my SIL’s recital today.